Positive Parenting Tips
Moving From Coercion To Persuasion
Everthing You Need To Improve Your Family Dynamics Can Be Learned By Watching A Herd of Horses
"When you create harmony through communication,
In that moment you have an opportunity to lead."
-Carolyn Resnick
I've read tons of books and articles packed with positive parenting tips, but the most useful and valuable perspectives I've gained have come to me by watching horses.
Connecting with my horses has taught me how to connect with my teenagers. I used to bring the lessons learned at the barn into my home unconsciously. But now, when I'm not getting the results I desire with one of my children, I stop what I'm doing and evaluate things from my sons' perspectives.
Everything changes when I do this.
Being able to influence our teenagers is one of the most challenging tasks parents face. Most kids respond to general directions from their parents.
Until they hit their teens. And then, they don't. Their priorities have shifted. Pleasing the parental units no longer rank high on their list.
Strategies that we used to use no longer work. Their desire to comply with our wishes has evaporated in a cloud of hormonal chaos.
My tactics must shift with the natural development of my child. It's my job to figure out how to inspire them to want to cooperate with me.
And to not take their resistance personally. Because it's not.
It's their job to begin separating from their parents. To become the unique individual they are designed to be.
Here are some things that work well for me.
- Spend time with your child with no agenda attached.
When I stroll out into the pastures with my horses, I usually don't approach them directly. I fill a trough, talk to my ducks until my herd gets curious. And they decide to approach me. I used to stride purposefully out and make a beeline for them. Haltering their head and taking over their freedom. Intent on getting my agenda accomplished.
When I plunk myself down next to my child, whether on the bed or in a chair next to their desk, I just sit quietly. Amazing things develop when I do this consistently.
"What do you want?" they'll eventually ask. "Nothing, just want to be with you for a bit." I'll reply.
I'm not telling him to take out the trash or get started on his homework. I'm just sharing his space without imposing my authority on him. I don't try to coax information about his day from him. I just sit nearby. Drinking him in, observing him being who he is.
No agenda. No interruption. No parenting.
Just connecting.
- Let go of coercive tactics and practice persuasion instead.I began riding when I was five years old. It was me at a whopping 45-lbs trying to get the big red roan Lincoln to do what I wanted him to do. I wanted to gallop and move through the wind. He wanted to rest his aging bones in the shade of the nearest tree.This seasoned lesson horse taught me much about how to form a mutually cooperative partnership. He didn't respond to bossing or whining or physical encouragement. Bribing sometimes worked, but not always.I learned that forming a partnership with him was the only way to get consistently reliable results. If I took what he wanted into consideration (standing still, eating) he became willing to give me a bit of what I wanted (wind flowing through my hair, freedom).Trying to motivate a teenager who just wants to sit (in front of the electronic device of the moment) is a constant challenge. I try to connect before they sit, but I've also learned how to get them to move. Words don't penetrate the bubble. I touch their shoulder. Ask for eye contact. Make my request and stay there. It reallyworks to acknowledge that you're asking them to do something they don't want to do, and that you appreciate their cooperation.
- Set the ground rules for acceptable behavior and give clear, firm feedback when needed.Mares morph into teachers the minute they catch their breath after birthing. They use their noses like we use hands- nudging, pushing, nipping. Whatever is needed to let their youngster know what to do next. And what notto.They're even-tempered. And clear. As their youngster grows in size and rambunctiousness, the elders draw clear boundaries for how to be a successful member of the herd. They address every infraction in no uncertain terms. If the early reminders go unheeded, the volume goes up until the behavior stops. A bite, a kick. Whatever. And then everyone is calm and connected, no grudges, no griping. They are clear, firm and, most of all, consistent.
I told you we could learn from them. There are many more positive parenting tips to be learned from horses. But, if you're anything like me, these three will take some time to master.